I've been up and down this weekend because I started thinking about some friendships of mine and how it no longer looks the same, and it makes me incredibly sad.

On that note, hello again Xanga. You may be old and outdated.. and there may be more user friendly blogs out there, but atleast I feel perfectly free to be myself here. Thank you for that.

It makes me sad that friendships change. People that were SO close to me couldn't be any further away from me. I'm not so good with the change. When people are distant from me.. right or wrong, it leads me to believe that they don't care. And that hurts, and I feel super let down. 

 I'm not Mother Teresa or anything, but I feel like I've cared so much about my friends over the years... to not feel cared for on the moments that I need it.. well, that hurts. I feel like my presence in someone else's life was in vain and it now means nothing. 

I need to let go of the bitterness... but that doesn't mean that I can't express my feelings. Not everyone loves the same way I do... and that's fine. But I don't like the idea of not being reached out to. :-/

That hurts.

This is a blog that I like to write on when I don't want to huge public attention from everyone that knows me. I always want to ask the hard questions, and sometimes facebook, and even twitter aren't the best places to do it. So here I am, expressing myself to the xanga world. Here's a thought that literally just crossed my mind:

Are you listening to the needs of others, or have you already superimposed on someone else what you think they already need?

Tough question? Absolutely. 

Oh my gosh guys. What an incredible journey that has been shaping up to become. I'm not quite sure where to start. So i'll just start in the here and now. I've been really encouraged lately because I feel that I have been returning to 'familiar form.' I'm not going to lie, this is STILL a transition. I've been going nonstop since around September 11th (as a side note, its hard for my mind to not go in a completely different direction when I type that particular date) which traveling and everything. BUT.. slowly (according to my ridiculously high standards) the pieces of my life are beginning to be put together.

This week was a really cool week because at times during the past month, I've been doing some college fairs with alot of the same admissions counselors from different schools. It was a huge encouragement to me because people were super complimentary toward me and they could all tell that there is something really special inside of me. To hear that from people that are a little bit older than me really means alot.

Even though things have still been going at a nonstop pace, it feels good to feel like I'm getting alot better at processing all of the craziness and adjusting to the 'transition.' Every week, I've been feeling progressively less overwhelmed and I cannot wait to see what happens next. I wouldn't say that this has been a time of 'self discovery' because I've always known who I am and what I'm made of... but its really interesting and encouraging to see how I'm adjusting to such a HUGE move. I can't WAIT to start building a network of friends a Newberry and in Columbia. When I have more time that I'm in town, that is exactly what I intend to do. Today, I have just this overwhelmingly excited feeling that these pieces are going to come together really fast, partly because I'm rather inpatient at times and will find every opportunity to make this work. Shyness is NOT a weakness of mine (although laziness sometimes can be!)

With xanga, often times to use this platform as a way to elaborate on my thoughts.. I can't possibly explain every 'tweet' (if you are new to my xanga, you can follow me on twitter at 'talunlimited' or even every facebook status update, but I can certainly give an overview of how I feel (at this rate, its once every other month haha) At this point in my blogging life, I want to include people on exactly what I'm feeling and the bigger issues that are happening in my life.

I do find it interesting that I haven't been super homesick or anything. I think that in large part it is due to being so busy and due to the fact that I've always had friendships with people that haven't been near me. I've been groomed for this for a long time. Managing work/friendships/travel/living in a new place is tough.. especially since its at war against a tendency I've developed over the years, which is laziness. But I have a feeling that soon 'laziness' will be a thing of the past. Today I was thinking about how I don't want to ask myself the question of 'what could have happened if I had cared more.' That question alone inspires me to give everything all that I got.

Here are my goals.. in NO particular order:

1) Be amazing at my job (because I really do like what I do alot)

2) Get my master's degree (come to think of it, this reminds me of the reason I got on my computer to begin with)

3) Live overseas

4) Become fluent in another language

5) Write more music (that process has definitely been underway lately)

6) establish my own community in Columbia, as mentioned before

I have lofty goals, I admit that. And they are fluid and subject to change.. though some of those, I don't think will change. Living here and doing my job has also been making me more GOAL oriented. I admit, living in Columbus, I wasn't always thinking in the future. I lived in the here and now. I've had alot of time to reflect on what I want long term.. and I'm motivated to make it allll happen. Call me crazy, but the idea of a boring, mediocre life is something that I will not stand for. Through the years, I've sounded like a broken record, but I'm absolutely serious.

Now.. lets just hope that before I leave this computer, I'll do atleast a little bit of what I set out to do! :P